Learning to Forgive

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Looking back at my life and the events that have impacted me the most, I realized that inside myself, I was carrying around a whole lot of resentment, anger, and bitterness. You can imagine the toll that carrying around all of this weight has taken on my heart.

I used to be of the mind set that there were just some things that were unforgivable - infidelity, harming a child, inflicting intentional pain on others for your own satisfaction, using your body for attention or affection, breaking the law, murder, etc. I used to believe that these offenses were personal offenses and offenses that victimize and anytime you victimize, there is some sort of level of intent and bad intent should simply not be forgiven.

I don't think that way anymore and it is just another example of the beautiful ways I feel God working in my life, particularly after I made the decision to become apart of the Catholic church. It is as if I was living in a dark room and all of a sudden, I found the light switch.

I will write more in depth on this later, but this has been on my mind today and I wanted to write it out before I meditated upon it and further.

Letting God Love Us

God has blessed me so much in the past several months. There were times when I was emotionally exhausted, physically worn out, and questioned exactly how I was going to move forward or how we were going to make it at all. In those moments, deep in the night when sleep was stolen by worry, I offered my thanks and I prayed. When I least expected it, and not always the direct answer to my prayers, God appeared in our lives, offering us opportunities to change the course of our lives, offering support when it was needed, creating better situations and different paths for us to take. When one thing happens, it is coincidence and it is easy for people to write it off as that. When it is a series of things, one after another, giving a glimpse of light in the darkness often caused by worry, isn't a set of mere coincidence..... it is God working.

It reminds me a situation that I faced with my husband earlier in our marriage. We went through a really difficult time, accelerated by the impact alcoholism on marriage, particularly those that do not drink and are left to pick up the pieces left by the one who does. Additionally, difficulties in my past with men and their mistreatment of me made me very cautious. Promises of love meant nothing when the actions spoke so much different, even the if the actions wasn't that of a sober person. After my husband admitted his mental illness and stopped using alcohol to medicate himself, there was a lot of rebuilding that needed to be done. Promises were made, but I was still afraid. I couldn't put the faith in him I once had, as I had been let down by him in the past.

He had apologized many times. He had changed his actions towards me, trying to take care of me and trying to make it up to me, the difficult time he put me through. No matter how hard he tried, however, I just didn't feel loved. I didn't feel the security. I couldn't forget the things that I had endured with him earlier on, the emotional toll it had taken on me, the part of my spirit it had broken.

One night, however, we laid beside me in our marital bed, holding me close before drifting into our slumber for the night. As I laid there, his arms around me, his legs entwined with mine, I felt it. I felt how much he loved me. I felt how much I truly loved him. The next day, I woke up and contemplated the night before. I realized that I felt those things not because he was doing anything different, but because I had allowed myself to be open to him loving me - I had accepted his love.

I think that the same can be said about God. People can go through the motions. They can say their prayers and go to whatever place they call their house of worship. They can wait for God to work in their lives, praying for relief or support or love or their needs. I don't think, though, they really feel the power of God until they are able to say honestly that they allow God to love them. They allow it through the trinity, working through their lives, open, listening, waiting, Letting God Love Us.

Blessings and Offerings

Thanks to Almost Catholic Momma for her past entries on podcasts. Last night I downloaded several and listened as I went to bed. It was not only peaceful and educational, but it is the first time that I received a full night (well, six hours) of sleep! That is unusual for me and it definitely helped with my mood today.

Blessings:

My daughter met up with the local homeschool group for the first time today. She had a wonderful time and made a really, really good friend with a girl around her age that she has a lot in common with. This really made me happy.

My husband, the sport that he is, dropped us off, made sure I was ok there around new individuals by myself and then went and killed time until he picked us up. I really appreciate the fact that he took us, as I don't drive currently, and I know that on his day of there is probably about a million other things that he would rather do than that.

Not only did I receive six solid hours of sleep last night, after returning from the park I took a four hour nap. It was bliss.

Taxes are complete with two hours two hours to spare.

Offerings:

Today was a very painful day. My body was extremely achy. I have fibromyalgia and it has been the biggest cross that I bear. Today was no exception.

An emotional night led to some hurt feelings and words not intended, but said out of anger. I offer up the hurt that these words caused me.

My feelings of unworthiness. I feel unworthy to be apart of the Catholic church. I feel unworthy of my husband, given my physical limitations. I feel unworthy as a mother, again, due to my physical limitations.

Offering It Up

I started this blog knowing that I needed to share particularly painful parts of my life in order to fully move forward to His grace. I am not exactly sure what planted this need, or it's intended purpose. I know that some of the things I am going to share are going to be really painful. I know that some of these things I have never really honestly talked to anyone about except my husband. I feel, though, that it is important to share. These things, I realize, are as much of a part of my journey home as the calling to the church that I feel.

When I get to officially join the church, I want to do it right. I want to do it with an open heart. I want to do it with the pain that some events can cause to have faded away and have the grace to offer the suffering that I have felt up and appreciate the fact that I have gone through this. I can recall specific incidences through the various chapters in ones life - childhood, young adulthood, and finally being an adult. The purpose is not to vilify anyone for my childhood or blame my difficulties on my parents, whom I realized did the absolute best that they could do themselves, but there are undeniable experiences from these times that have forever shaped me and have shaped the type of mother that I am.

This is not to say that my life has been particularly bad or particularly good. It has been humbling. I believe I have more respect for certain things that are apart of life than many that are my age. I know how quickly life can slip through your fingers, so I believe I have a good understanding of what my priorities are - I just need to bring joining the church into that list.


Childhood:
* Death of twin sister
* Death of grandmother
* Abused by neighbor (child neighbor)
* Potential abuse by another neighbor (adult neighbor)
* Father's alcoholism
* Mother's illness

Young Adulthood:
* First relationship
* The birth of my son
* The death of my son
* Rape and the pregnancy that followed
* Birth of daughter
* Long - term abusive relationship
* Birth of daughter and son

Adulthood:
* Death of mother
* Leaving the life I knew
* Accomplishments
* Meeting my husband
* Dirty custody battles
* Separation from children
* Starting life over
* Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde - alcohol abuse in home
* Revelation of daughter's abuse
* Sacrifice two for the safety of one
* Living around death
* My health is challenged
* Moving forward

God touching me:
* Alcohol no more
* Homeschooling
* Helping community
* Multiple Blessings
* Misdiagnosis


I plan to examine each of these different events. I invite you to join me on my journey. Please offer insight where you can.

The first step

I have made the decision, or maybe finally listened to my heart, and have decided that I am going to join the Catholic church. It isn't so much something that I want to do, but it is something that I need to do.

I have many feelings about this journey. Anticipation. Impatience. Happiness. Peace. Confusion.

At times, I simply do not feel worthy. This is one of the crosses that I bear.

I know that there is a much greater purpose for the suffering that I have experienced in this life. The mistakes I have made. The consequences that I have accepted.

It is time for me.